Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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