i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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