I can feel you judging me through the phone.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
