they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
50% drunk capacity currently
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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