Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
