Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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