yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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