Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
