I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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