Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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