just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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