Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
