I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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