my being single is dangerous.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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