you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
