billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
