My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
