One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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