i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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