i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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