I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
