At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
