guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
