A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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