I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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