I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
