just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
