meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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