dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
