Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
