I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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