Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i permit you to call me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
