apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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