Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
