You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
