____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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