i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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