oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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