I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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