I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
