I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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