a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just invented taco cereal.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
