So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
