4 words: hood of his car
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
