guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
