Cold hands, warm shart.
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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