just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
