I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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