i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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