but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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