Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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