so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
