I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
