Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How external is "for external use only"?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
