there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize