I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
