Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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