mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This house was built for laser tag.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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